Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
