Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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