I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
