We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
