remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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