i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
