why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
