Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
