Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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