if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
