I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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