I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
