Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize