I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
