I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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