just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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