dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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