It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
