you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
