My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
