I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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