I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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