Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
