I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
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You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
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What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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