dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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