I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
