I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
