call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
the liver wants what the liver wants
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
