I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
