as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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