I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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