After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
