barbara walters just said penis...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
