Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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