I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
