Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
