I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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