I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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