Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
