i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
