Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
