My sheets look like a crime scene.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
