I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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