it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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