my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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