It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
a search helicopter?!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
