I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
