So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
