The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
