6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
