Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
