dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
