I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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