Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
