Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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