saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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