I think my vagina is haunted
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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