I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
