Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
