Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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