But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I think my vagina is haunted
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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