so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I love having hate sex.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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